I will die if light touches me.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
