seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
