I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
