I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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