that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
