I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
