The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
