It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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