I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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