how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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