I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
