You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
