He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
