Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
