I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
