70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
