She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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