Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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