There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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