nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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