i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
