I think I died a long time ago.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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