at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
