make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
