you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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