So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
