Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
