He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
