I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
