I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
