he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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