Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
