I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
