he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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