Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
