So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
