Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
