sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Alive.
So much puke
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
