Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My nipple is on Facebook.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
