We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
