When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
