Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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