apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
