Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
