I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
