dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
