Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
