It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
3 2 1 whiskey
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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