he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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