There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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