Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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