the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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