This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We talked him into tasing himself.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
