I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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