trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Too much gin, very little bucket
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
